Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Listmania!

With all the dilly-dally whosee-whats of things like paragraphs and sentences flooding the mainstream, I - purveyor of hip
counter-culture - forsake this conformist bullshit. So, with no further adieu, let the lists begin.
TOP FIVE ALBUMS TO PUT ON WHILST STARING AT YOUR CEILING AND ‘FIGURING IT ALL OUT’:
5. Radiohead – Kid A – Obvious, yes, but can you think of another album that allows you to hum along to information-age paranoia and crippling Kafkaesque isolation? Thought not.
4. The Walkmen – Everyone Who Pretended to Like Me Is Gone – Apparently the only band from NYC not to be plastered across every indie mag you’re not cool enough to read. The Walkmen make rock music like Monet painted flowers. The musical equivalent of driving in the rain with no windshield wipers.
3. DJ Shadow – Endtroducing… - DJ Shadow makes vignettes, not songs, out of found sounds on forgotten records. ‘Endtroducing…’ is a hazy world where everything is vaguely familiar and everyone is on the brink of a major existential epiphany – or totally stoned.
2. Interpol – Turn on the Bright Lights – This couldn’t have been made at any other time by anyone else in any other suits. Sure, it’s hip to yak about how these guys owe it all to ‘80s post-punkers like Echo and the Bunnymen, but the glacial, arty alienation of ‘Bright Lights’ is pure new-millennium.
1. Nick Drake – Pink Moon – Quite possibly the most delicate recording ever made, ‘Pink Moon’ sounds like the slightest breeze could whisk it away into oblivion. As Drake died of an apparent suicide after its release, the album is all the more tragic and beautiful.
TOP FIVE THINGS I LOVE
5. Lists.
4. Starbucks-drinking, Jetta-driving, Gap-shopping 46-year-olds who are still "with it" because they listen to the Shins.
3. The moment right before you sneeze in which all other thoughts are eclipsed by your crippling desire to do one singular deed that is over as soon as it commences - thus demonstrating the sad, yet inherently beautiful, futility of existence.
2. Boobies.
1. Knowing that, though they may be smarter and more qualified, I will always be wealthier than the Taiwanese.
TOP FIVE ALBUMS TO ‘GET DOWN’ TO:
5. Al Green – Greatest Hits – Please note: Don’t use this if you’re 40, have myriad chest hair and a Jersey accent. Use Poison or something.
4. Serge Gainsbourg – No one has a voice quite like Serge. He’s like a European James Brown – without the sweat or coke. Added bonus: Pretend you’re French! Oh, oui, je t’aime!
3. Suicide – Suicide – Use only if you know you’re partner REALLY well. Or, if you’re fucking weird. Martin Rev makes masochistic sex boasts sound like…well, masochistic sex boasts. Be safe kids!
2. Sonic Youth – Daydream Nation – Sprawling and dramatic, for all you love makin’ hipsters out there. Also good for amorous junkies!
1. The Beach Boys – Pet Sounds – They don’t make ‘em like this anymore. Every track has idealist lyrics, perfect arrangement and, of course, Brian Wilson’s innocent croon. Plus, there’s a good chance you were conceived to this record!
TOP FIVE THINGS I HATE:
5. Ugly people.
4. Stupid people.
3. Stupid ugly people.
2. Straight-laced indie rockers who think it's ironic to use urban slang terms like "crunk."
1. Bitches dat straight up ain't givin' no play to no muthafuckin' crunk ass playaz.

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